Can one think entirely too much? Can one worry way too much about small random things they feel stupid for worrying about, yet can't help themselves??
If anyone can do it, it's definitely me. The fellow night owls who talk to me in the wee hours of the morning know I'm up because my brain simply cannot shut down and relax...I'm ALWAYS thinking and it stresses me out like whoa.
I am so incredibly sick of school. I want to be out there DOING it, not sitting in a classroom. It's Theatre, yes, you're learning technique, but either you have it or you don't. And core classes are not good for my ADD mind.
I want to go to Randolph Academy in Toronto so badly. I don't think I've wanted anything more in my life than to go to that school. I fell in love with it when we went there on a field trip my junior year of high school. Mr. O says it would truly be my 'element', but this place is a top notch performing arts school.....which means hard as hell to get into. But, if I do, then I'm garanteed professional work after two years going there.
Not to mention how scary it will be to go out on my own.....leave all of my friends and family behind...not only in another state, but in another COUNTRY. And I totally don't understand the currency over there. *The loony? WTF? * But, I want OUT of MI....and Randolph is where I wanna be.
Then there's Mongo. I have been there FOUR years....it really is pretty sad. But, I'm comfortable there...well, sort of anyway.
I love the people I work with...I don't think I dislike anyone there and that's saying something because we have many employees.
There are times I miss the old days....me, Canadian, and Stacy running the host stand. We used to have a freakin blast up there. "Thank you for calling BD's Mongolian BBQ, where the grill is almost as hot as Enrique Iglesias! Or where we clean our servers with Windex!" LMFAO....don't ask....only Stacy and Lauren would understand it. I miss Steve and Ryan Turpin and Rob Stone USA. Steve hired me, no questions asked. Ryan is a family friend, though I haven't heard from him lately. And Rob was just hilarious. *WWJD? World Wide Jewish Domination! lmao* I miss Chad and Don Corbin and John...Chad has got to be one of the funniest people ever.....Don was such a great guy.....and John? John is a really good friend...with REALLY gooooood backrubs.....lol And Tebo.....loooved Tebo. "She's the only sweetheart left in this place. Take care of her for me." Awww.....*sniffles* he said that to uhhhhh...actually, I think it was Pat, on his*Tebo* last day after we said our goodbyes.
But again, I love the people I work with now too. Kriztahl is my boy! :) Evie, Erin, Chrystal, Peter, Lina, Mike L., Mark, Bonnie, Sandy, etc etc etc.
Now, I get to complain. *Oh, you knew it was comin* I have been there four years....you would think that it would warrant some sort of seniority. Only not. I have seen a lot of shit go down at Mongo. But, I rarely ever complain, especially to the managers. Some people say, "Mel, you could be a manager....you've been there long enough." Don't remind me. In my mind though, I know me. Working my way up would only give me an excuse to stay in MI, which I. DO. NOT. WANT. So, I keep myself at this level for motivation. I know that sounds strange, but it's the truth.
My point is that because I don't complain, I'm the one who gets screwed. And I am not the first person to say it either. Hosts ask why I'm always the one there all day. Whatev, that doesn't really bother me unless the person who came in AFTER me gets cut before I do, making me stay all day....like what happened today. Generally, not a problem. But, I wasn't even ASKED if this was ok. They just cut her and expected me to be ok with that. Had she had something she needed to do *Like Erin going to a concert tonight* then I get it. But she stayed and ate, and was there when I left! WTF? Granted, Lina came in at 4, and got me out, and wanted to know why I was the last one there as well.
Peter will come on early for me since he knows I generally get screwed on the floor as well.
THREE YEARS serving, people!! WHY am I ALWAYS in the 10s or 20s?!?! Gimme a fuckin break already. On weekdays, the openers get to pick their sections.....but, oh, wait, when I open practically EVERY Saturday, the VOLUMES are the ones that get the good sections? Lose/lose for me, I suppose.
Even then, like I opened the other day....oh, look, the 20s.....again. *sigh* Jackie, yes, the bitch ,Jackie *she says it herself, so I don't feel bad, though I'm one of few she is really nice to* helps me out. When I'm working with her, she hooks me up with all the easy stuff for prep. Why? "You are always the one getting screwed. I see it every time you're here. And it pisses me off, so I do my part to help you out." Straight from Jackie! Ok, so if Jackie can see it and is hooking me up, then it can't be just me that thinks this.
BUT, I'm me and won't complain. The one time I did, I got the smack down for it. That's what always happens. I finally say something, and it either goes in one ear and out the other, or they get upset with me. So, I just keep my mouth shut and seeth silently.
*deep breath* I'm sorry, I had to get that out of my system.
Then we have The Woodshed. We have blown over the recent WW3 problems/drama.....for now. There will inevitably be more for Mara, Angie, Pam, and I to work out. Oh, I'm so looking forward to it. *rolls eyes*
I haven't even started learning the songs I have to sing for Jamie's wedding. There are supposed to be 6 or so, but they haven't figured out the 6th one yet. I talked them into Clay's The Way, but the others are by the Beatles, the Beegees, Elvis Presley, and Simon and Garfunkel...oh, yay, new arrangements for me to figure out.
I miss the crew from high school. Me, Alison, Sarah, Leah, Bree, Morgan, Jessie, Krystle. I still see Al and Sarah. Jessie's in Alabama, but we still talk. I have no idea what became of Morgan or Bree. I lost touch with Leah and Krys again. I would love for all of us to go out. I miss every single one of them.
Al and I were kinda tipsy the other night and were talking about Mary's wedding. The Maid of Honor thing came up and she's like that would be like you asking Mara to be your MOH instead of me, ya know? LOL I am so NOT ready for marriage...god knows I have doubts about all my high expectation dreams as is.
Don't get me wrong....I do want to fall in love someday. It's a much talked about highly recommended I'm kinda sorry I haven't felt it yet. But, I always figured, I can't go looking for love...that'll end up in heartbreak. Let love find me when the time is right. I don't know why but for some reason, I keep thinking of this quote:
" Someday Topanga's going to be a mother and I'm going to be the father. Or the uncle. Or the way I'm goin, the guy down the street with the binoculars."
-Cory Matthews, Boy Meets World
I have NO CLUE why I relate THAT to me ever being in love. Lol, perhaps, like everyone has managed to be in love once, why am I always the one on the outside looking in? This is my hopeless romantic side here.....don't think I'm gonna go force myself to be 'in love' with whatever guy I next lay eyes on. So NOT my plan. I'm just saying this in general.
I'm usually laid back in relationships. I'm pretty independent in that respect and I give the same courtesy to whoever I'm with. I know I have a life with goals and ambitions and I expect my guy would have the same. School, work, career, friends, family, hobbies, etc. These are all important and shouldn't be forced to be pushed to the side. Your lives shouldn't be each other. Because, let's face it, in this day and age, many things can happen to tear you apart...then what do you have? You gave up everything else for that one person and now they're gone. I'm usually an optimist, but I am also a realist.
I don't like to rush things, though sometimes in the heat of the moment, haha, things happen. But I never regret them. Everything happens for a reason, right? Although, I don't like being uncertain which leads me into.....
At this exact moment, I don't know where I stand in a couple peoples' minds. Yeah, a couple people, in different aspects of life and whatnot.
I'm a naturally curious person, so when I wanna know something, I go digging to find out the answer. IMDB and Google are two of my bestest online friends...lol Even if it's like a random detail of a movie that I can't remember, I will search for it until I figure it out or it will bug the hell outta me.
Same goes with where I stand with people. If you hate me, tell me! If your my friend, tell me! If you have a problem with me, tell me! If you like me, tell me! If you love me, tell me! I like to know exactly where I stand with all the people around me. If you wanna know where you stand with me, all you have to do is ask.
I suppose it's easier said than done, though. Mara's profound words to me: "Get drunk and tell him...that's what I do." Actually, that doesn't have much real relevance here, but it cracks me up. In a warped way, she's right though....I am tres nonconfrontational. I hate fighting, and getting hurt. I would much rather bottle something up, than risk hurting me or the other person. I think that's part of the 'too kind' Me my mom says I'm infamous for. I need to learn to take more chances and risks.
Ahhh, my list of things I wanna do in my lifetime. Those who have skimmed it know I have some pretty crazy things on there. I do know how insane and unattainable some are. I started that list in high school when my future seemed unlimited *Yes, a Wicked quote*. Now, I am fully aware many of these things I want will never happen. I figure aim high, right? But, is that also setting myself up for disappointment? *shrugs* I'm well aware the chances I have at being Maureen Johnson on Broadway or Toronto or the national tour is slim to nil. It's one of the most beloved and popular characters in the theatre world. The job a thousand girls would die for. But, I am still hoping I can achieve this. But, sometimes, I just feel like all I'm doing is daydreaming a hopeless cause....and that saddens me.
I suppose this entry is relatively pointless, but it was therapeutic for me. Thanks for anyone who listened/read and got this far without falling asleep....
♥ & ♣ ,
Melcrest Out! :)